So aside from being the mother of an active toddler, finishing my college degree (BS Marriage and Family Studies), and experiencing a crazy year of change in our family, this second pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster all on its own. The underlying cause of the emotional ups and downs comes from the fact that for several months the baby I thought was growing inside of me turned out to be a different gender than what the baby actually is.
I can't deny that I had been wanting a baby girl for a little while, even before I became pregnant the second time. I had a couple of experiences (I call them spiritual experiences) that led me to feel "connected" to a daughter Brian and I would have someday. After I found out we were expecting again, I had a few more of these experiences. Some might say that it was wishful thinking, others might believe in an almost supernatural mother-fetus connection... All I know is that I was feeling really strongly for the first few months of my pregnancy that we were having a girl. I thought of the baby as a girl, I started preparing for a girl (looking at girl clothes). Brian kept telling me that there was still a 50/50 chance we would be having a boy; in fact, he liked the idea of having two little boys back-to-back. Logically, I knew that I shouldn't prepare for a certain gender when I didn't really know for sure, but emotionally I couldn't help but feed that, what was it, a yearning? a hope? an expectation?
And there was the fact that when I was pregnant with my first, I had had a feeling that he was a boy. And I was correct on THAT instinct! Basically, I was almost sure, even deep down, that I was pregnant with a girl this time around.
And then came the ultrasound halfway through this pregnancy. I can honestly say that I was shocked when I heard the ultrasound tech say, "This baby has been flashing me this whole time and you guys haven't noticed. You're definitely having a boy." I just remember feeling kind of numb when I heard that. Was she sure? She said she was 100% sure, that she doesn't give parents a gender unless she's 100% sure. She tried to show us where the male parts were, and I guess I kind of saw them? The ultrasound was pretty unclear to me. Brian says that he caught a pretty good glimpse of the baby's "manhood" a couple of times, but I didn't really get that clarification for myself. The ultrasound tech attempted to get a snapshot of the boy part for us to take home, but the one she got is unclear to both Brian and I. Toward the end of the ultrasound, when it was time to get some pictures, the baby wasn't posing for us very well- it was hard to get some good, clear snapshots.
From the moment we left that room, I was trying to console myself, remind myself that all that truly matters is that we have a healthy baby. And according to the ultrasound, he IS very healthy! But I couldn't deny that I was shocked by the gender reveal. I had truly thought we would be going home that day telling people we were having a girl. The rest of that day was difficult for me, because almost every single person in both of our families cast their vote as GIRL before we went to our ultrasound. I couldn't help but feel that other people were disappointed like I was disappointed. There, I said it: I was disappointed. And I know this shouldn't matter, but in Brian's family there are a lot more boys than there are girls, and I felt like everyone was kind of hoping we would be having a girl since it has been several years since a "round" of girls has been born. One of my sisters-in-law is just a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she is having a girl. We were hoping to have two girls together, especially since we had two boys together just a couple of years ago. (As a side note, I feel SO happy for this sister-in-law, because this baby is going to be her last, and her family was really hoping for one more girl.) Anyway, I felt like because we are having another boy, people weren't quite as excited for us as they would have been if we had found out we were having a girl. This could have all been in my head, but I still felt it.
So, since finding out the gender of our second baby, my emotions (which were already kind of out of whack anyway) have been all over the place. I go from loving my pregnant body to hating being pregnant, from being excited about having two little boys to love on and then to feeling slightly depressed that I don't get to buy all of those pink baby clothes yet. I keep reminding myself that ultimately, the most important thing is that the baby and I are healthy. I also keep telling myself that once I actually MEET this little guy and hold him for the first time, I will fall in love with another boy all over again. I know I will! But the wildly-running emotions are still real and are still there. I feel: 1) Guilty that I feel any disappointment at all about the gender of my baby; 2) Worried that I won't be as excited about this baby as I was with my firstborn; 3) Confused that my instincts were so off on this one. It has felt as though I've had to get to know this baby all over again starting halfway through the pregnancy. And I kind of feel like I'll have to get to know him all over again when I actually meet him for the first time.
I know that this little guy is supposed to be a part of our family. I know that I am blessed to be able to have him and to be a mother. I know that I will love him more than I'll be able to describe, but for right now, I'm still feeling a little confused about the whole situation. I'm optimistic that I won't feel so confused and all over the emotion spectrum when our new life as a family of 4 begins. I know there will be new challenges and new opportunities when we become parents of 2- but I'm hoping I can embrace these and enjoy/cherish the journey!
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